Almost Perfect

"The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. " - Tom Robbins (1936 - ), Still Life With Woodpecker

I know I am not perfect. In fact, I know I'm far from it. Most of the times I think of myself as mediocre, in more depressing moments I slide down to being below average. I have to admit I didnt think of myself that way before. I used to see myself as a prize catch, worthy of admiration from anyone. I may have lacked humility and wisdom to know better. Continually falling short from expectations and ideals that are either implicitly or otherwise imposed on me made me see how flawed I am. Gone is my bloated feeling of self-worth. Sometimes, I cannot even see the shadow of the "Great Me" I thought I was.

I know now that I have made a lot of mistakes. I have a lot of what parents ( and of course, husbands as well) wish none for their child ( and wife). Bad experiences, incorrect choices, and even a tainted character. Moreover, I lack what they would have wished for me instead. Qualities that make a perfect daughter, wife and a mother.

Is it too late for me then? Because of what I have been in the past, did I already lose my chance to be an ideal woman? I would think sometimes that I deserve a 2nd, and even a 3rd chance. I would think that my past should not define me, and that I could totally transform to something beautiful even if I started out ugly. Look how ordinary sand could lose all its graininess and develop into a smooth and beautiful glass. But other times it seems that it is just an unreachable dream. My past does not seem to leave me, it continues to haunt and penalise me for the things I have done. There seems to be no escape from the pit I have dug myself into.

I guess this is where love interferes. When everything about me is shouting of mediocrity and even ugliness, maybe, just maybe, love could change me. When alone I cannot remove the bad in me, maybe someone with love would be able to do so. Maybe love could free me, and finally make me beautiful. I still won't be perfect, but through love's eyes, maybe I could be Almost Perfect...