Last night, I felt it all again...

I had a silly smile pasted on my face all the way to work this morning, and it was all because of a dream. The dream was simple, but very very nice. Actually, it was not the dream that was nice, but all the feelings that it made me feel again...

In the dream, I just met Jay again and it made me feel all the giddy feelings when you are just falling in love...

I remembered how thrilled I am at his every text message, how my stomach fluttered at the mere sight of him, and how my insides would all turn to mush whenever he would talk to me.

Haaaaaay. For those who are yet to fall in love, you're missing a lot.

Anyway, it's good to remember the feeling. Thank God for dreams.

I need to unwind

Last weekend was a stressful one for me. Had a big disagreement with my mom that had me depressed the whole day Sunday. I think the two of us are ok now, but I could still feel the heavy load inside me. Maybe because the heavy feeling is not only because of the disagreement per se, but with all the issues that it had raised.

So I am now to start the week with a heavy heart and a haeavy workload. I need some uplifting!!!!!!

Jay, wink wink. Haha.

*%$#*@!!!! Mabuhay Miles

Bwisit na Mabuhay Miles to. Fake pla siya, napaka deceiving. Hindi pala siya libre. Ang binibili lang pala ng miles ay ang mismong airfare. Hindi kasama ang fuel surcharge sat taxes.

Kalokohan pala. Sa maga sanay magbook ng fligts, alam nating mas mahal ang surcharges at taxes kesa sa airfare. Papuntang Kalibo for example:

2 way
Airfare: P576
Fuel & Surcharge : P3290

So ibig sabihin, after kong magspend ng P360,000 to accumulate the 8000 miles for a roundtrip sa Kalibo, ang matitipid ko lang pala is a lousy P576! Buti sana kung 1000 nlang ang babayaran ko. BUt no. I have to pay P3290.

So, anong kalokohan to?! Grabe, for a time, nauto ako nitong Mabuhay Miles na ito.

Stupid.

*in fairness to the Mabuhay Miles, medyo okay naman siya for international flights... (pero mas mura parin nung ng promo ang Cebu Pacific) Kaso hindi ko naman kasi siya plano gamitin for international dapat eh. Grrrrrrr.*

FOILED PLANS

Excited pa naman ako. Dapat punta kami sa amin this weekend. Wala lang, team bonding sana, just to have fun and enjoy each other's company. Plantsado na ang lahat, ayos na nag budget, ayos na ang logistics... pero bigla.. hindi na tuloy... sayang.. nakakafrustrate, nakaka-sadden... When you plan things, get excited about it, and then hinid lang siya matuloy basta. Nakakawalang gana.

The Wedding

Wow. Over a handful of tissues, I've finished the novel The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks. Again, wow. The book is finished, the story has ended, and yet I still find myself crying. Not because the story was tragic, but because the story really tugged at my romantic heart.

The story is about a couple, who after 29 years of marriage are slowly drifting apart. It started with the realization of Wilson that despite his tremendous love for his wife, their marriage seems to be going downhill. He then decides that he would not let his marriage fall apart, as he knows that he is really blessed to have Jane as his wife and that he does not want to live without her. The story spans for one year, from the night Wilson forgot their 29th anniversary to the night he finally made up for all the things he was not able to give his wife. They change from a couple who is on the brink of breaking up, to a couple madly in love with each other once again.

I have always been a fan of romantic stories, and surely, an older couple who remains in love with each other after many many years would pass my standards. My heart melts whenever I see grandmas and grandpas (not necessarily real old) still holding hands, still connecting with each other through looks, words or touches. It makes me ponder how we will be in the future. Will we still be holding hands years from now? Will we be as blessed as they are? Is our love as enduring as theirs is?

With these questions in mind, I think about what we have now. Do we constantly strive to show how much we love each other?Do we constantly seek to connect through looks, words and touches? When people see us, do they see a young couple deeply in love? The answer I'm afraid is not as rosy as I would want it to be. I have to admit that there are days that we are unable to express our love, times when we fail to connect, and moments when we are just a married couple.

I still have high hopes though. For despite instances when I see that our relationship is not perfect, I am still convinced that our love would endure. I know that I am truly blessed to have you, and I know that as the years pass by, yours is still the hand I want to hold.

So maybe I should stop worrying about the future. I should just work on today, on what we have now. Instead of thinking if we will still be holding hands in the future, I will hold your hand now. I will never let a day pass without letting you feel how much I love you. I will constantly connect with you, so that even in difficulties you would know I am still with you. I will do this day after day, month after month and year after year. And most probably, before we even know it, we would already be old.. and still holding hands.

Our Tomorrow

I wonder what's in store for us tomorrow... What does the future have for us? I have to admit that sometimes I get scared... Can we reach our dreams? Are we trying our best to reach them? Is our best good enough? But of course, my faith in the Lord vanquishes my fears. I know that in the right time, He will give us what will be best for us. And that is why depite my occasional fears, I am excited about the future. I can hardly wait for the day that our dreams will start coming true. I do not know exactly what would happen, but I do know that with you, the future would definitely be beautiful...

Almost Perfect

"The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. " - Tom Robbins (1936 - ), Still Life With Woodpecker

I know I am not perfect. In fact, I know I'm far from it. Most of the times I think of myself as mediocre, in more depressing moments I slide down to being below average. I have to admit I didnt think of myself that way before. I used to see myself as a prize catch, worthy of admiration from anyone. I may have lacked humility and wisdom to know better. Continually falling short from expectations and ideals that are either implicitly or otherwise imposed on me made me see how flawed I am. Gone is my bloated feeling of self-worth. Sometimes, I cannot even see the shadow of the "Great Me" I thought I was.

I know now that I have made a lot of mistakes. I have a lot of what parents ( and of course, husbands as well) wish none for their child ( and wife). Bad experiences, incorrect choices, and even a tainted character. Moreover, I lack what they would have wished for me instead. Qualities that make a perfect daughter, wife and a mother.

Is it too late for me then? Because of what I have been in the past, did I already lose my chance to be an ideal woman? I would think sometimes that I deserve a 2nd, and even a 3rd chance. I would think that my past should not define me, and that I could totally transform to something beautiful even if I started out ugly. Look how ordinary sand could lose all its graininess and develop into a smooth and beautiful glass. But other times it seems that it is just an unreachable dream. My past does not seem to leave me, it continues to haunt and penalise me for the things I have done. There seems to be no escape from the pit I have dug myself into.

I guess this is where love interferes. When everything about me is shouting of mediocrity and even ugliness, maybe, just maybe, love could change me. When alone I cannot remove the bad in me, maybe someone with love would be able to do so. Maybe love could free me, and finally make me beautiful. I still won't be perfect, but through love's eyes, maybe I could be Almost Perfect...

I DONT KNOW

Dont ask me, I dont know. What TO think nor what TO feel. But I know what I DO think, what I DO feel... But still, don't ask me... I think I know what TO say... Nothing. I'll just let it be.

Sana Nasa Tabi Mo Ako....

Malungkot ako ngayon... Kasi wala ako sa bahay para maalagaan ang mahal ko... Alam ko kailangan niya ako ngayon... Alam ko dapat nasa bahay ako ngayon... Pero andito ako ngayon sa trabaho, walang magawa para sa mahal kong may sakit...
Ang hirap kapag may gusto kang gawin at kumukontra ito sa kailangan mong gawin. Ang hirap kapag napipilitan kang gawin ang isang bagay, kapag meron kang mas gustong gawin. Pero sa tingin ko , pinakamahirap kapag may hinihingi sa yo ang mahal mo at hindi mo maibigay... Ang hirap kapag kailangan ka niya pero wala ka...

Kabwisit Ka

Nabwibwisit ako sa babae na ito. Galit ako sa kanya. Kilala niyo ba sya? Kung medyo nagtatago ka sa lungga at hindi nakakanood ng tv, basa ng radyo o d man lang nakikipagusap sa mga tao sa paligid, siya si Hope Centeno, di umanong babae ni James Yap. Hindi ko siya hiuhusgahan sa pagiging babae ni James di umano. Sakali mang totoo nga ang kanyang mga pinagsasasabi, kahit d man maganda, kaya kong unawain ang kanyang pagmamahal kay James. Kasalanan mang ituring ang umibig at makipagrelasyon sa isang may asawa, naiintindihan kong pwedeng mangyari yun kahit kanino. Kaya patawarin na natin siya doon. Totoo man o hindi.

Ang kaso, hindi lang naman yun ang kababuyang ginawa niya. May lakas ng loob pa siya na lumabas sa tv at mga dyaryo, ang magpainterview at isiwalat ang kung anu anong detalye sa siumanong relasyon nila ni James. Anong klaseng babe naman ang kailangan pang ibroadcast sa buong mundo ang mga bagay na dapat nga ay ikinahihiya na niya. Tama na ang nagkasala siya sa pagpatol kay James, pero ang manira pa talaga sa harap ng maraming tao ay sobra na. Sinasabi niyang kaya siya lumabas ay para ipagtanggol ang sarili niya sa paghuhusga. Sana alam lang niya na hindi siya kilala bago siya lumabaas. Walang huhusgahan dahil walang pangalan, walang mukha at walang taong naiuugnay sa nasabing problema ng magasawa. Natapos na san doon. Ngunit kailangan pa niya talagang kuhanin ang atensyon ng lahat at subuking magpasikat. Ayan, oo, sikat na siya. Pero hindi niya nakuha ang kagustuhan niyang malinis ang pangalan niya Dahil sa kanyang ginawa, mas nabwisit sa kanya ang tao, mas hinusgahan na siya. Tsk Tsk.

Nagagalit ako dahil asawa rin ako. Kung may tatangkang manira ng pagsasama namin gaya ng ginagawa nitong babaeng ito, talagang gera ito. Nagagalit ako dahil tao akong may puso. Kung magkasala man ako, hindi ko naman ipangangalandakan pa at ipamumukha sa mga taong sinaktan ko at mga taong walang pakialam. Magsisisi ako at mahihiya. Nagagalit ako dahil kawawa naman si Kris. Pagbigyan na natin siyang lumigaya. Everyone deserves to be happy. At nobody's expense.

Happy Valentine!

WE've been though a lot. A whole lot. Despite of it all, my love for you remains strong. For it grows each and every day, as I find more reasons to love you.
Through the years, you have shown me how it is to be loved deeply. I thank you for that, I thank you for giving meaning to my life.
I love you... Endlessly.